They often ask me “What’s with you? Why it is so tough for you to stay away from Jammu? Why you become itchy, and irritated and restless after 2-3 months of time? What’s the hook?” Now they have an added punch to it, “When your bae is there, there should be no reason that you should be bothering (read dying) to get home!”
*sigh* They = My parents and they have been asking me this for the past 11 years! *sigh again*
Well, there are so many reasons my heart knows but a few that I can put in words. While the dots of which I can trace back to 23 years back from now (which would be somewhere around 1995 and I shall bring to you those stories in some other form and some other time). But for now I can start with a blanket statement which I told my parents “If you would not have been my parents, and I would have known you in some other form or relation or acquaintance” – you still would be an epitome (and highest evolved form of human) of humanity for me.”
Yes. Everytime I put a step outside Jammu I meet many more people than I would meet back there in Jammu; I face multitude of situations and I sail through a plethora of circumstances. And probably that is what actually makes me – Me! Those exchange of dialogues, those interactions cause my rendezvous with life. Those uncomfortable incidents, those shallow-deep bonds, the give-take-bully bonds throw me out of my own comfort zone and flourish me. May be those dark facets to life, selfish bound acts of kindness, lack of selflessness, a 24×7 desire of wanting to be someone, always living a life that is yet to be achieved makes the shit hit the floor and have me taste each dropping! But all-in-all that is what stirs me up, puts the thoughts and perspectives into me. That is what gears me up for revelation after revelation and fight after fight!
So, how does all of this answers me going back to home?
I am not sure what do saints mean when they say let’s go to Ganga or Gangotri, I am not sure what does doing the char-dhaam tirth or paying visits to a shrine or dargah does to the soul and the mortal bodies of people. But I am absolutely sure of how all of those visits would make one feel. Exactly the same – the way I feel after paying visit to Jammu and my parents – both of which together make my home. When I go there, I look at the each house I saw since childhood, absorb each change that has happened over the years and my last visit. I remember all those souls who were there but are no more alive (and all I know is they are no more, I could not share with them any moment during their last time). I do not just breathe but I soak in air from there.
Each breath adds so much more meaning to my life. It is as if I talk to all that is incumbent there. I share and tell my parents about each situation I faced or I have been in, I tell them each dark secret I learnt about life and people! I discuss with them the troubles – at work or in life – bothering me. Sometimes I do feel, am I not bothering them too much? But I realise that while they have been in a very different setup throughout their life, they have had their share of difficulties and challenges and hence they have answers to all my questions and random rantings. They not only answer what’s been asked but also touch upon what I could not muster the courage to say.
They tell me the difference of the right from the wrong and the good from the bad. They reinforce the principles (that we follow at home) in me that – my task is to focus on my deeds and actions and the best I can do is to listen and observe. What I can refrain from is reacting to each person and each situation. So, they cleanse my thoughts, guide me through in the darkest hour and purify my soul like no one else can.
And then there are folks back home, who I have been observing for years and years and I can’t be less thankful to them for being so good human beings that they reinforce the strength of goodness. The challenge with the goodness these days and with our generation is the moment we do good, we want to showcase it and reap benefits out of it. That very much defeats the purpose of goodness. But these folks – they have been consistent and persistent in their goodness with ZERO social media handle to project their deeds. and I bet they are more revered than any one of us.
So, when I go home, I go to meet these people. I go to witness the pure goodness that still exists. I go to take an ounce of it from them. I go to rejuvenate myself. I go to keep these values alive. I go to press refresh button over my thoughts. I go to unlearn and relearn. I go to be them. I go to be like my parents. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Selfless Love. I go to learn these from my parents. And I think that is enough for my heart and mind to know that why “there is this constant desire to go back home!”
Of late I had been home and I can’t be more proud for the love and respect people shower and bestow upon my parents purely out of their deeds and their consideration for every being around them. To, Mama and Papa! With Love!